Ful/SS/14/2

Memoirs of the late happily departed Sister Esther Clerk who on the 27th of May 1791 at Fulneck enterd into the joy of her Lord In the 76th Year of her age.

She has left the following account concerning her Pilgrimage here below.

I think my dear Brethren & Sisters will like to hear something of my Course through this time which I will gladly relate to the honour of my dearest Saviour. I was Born at Kirton in Lincolnshire, July 8th 1715. My Parents died when I was very young, was therefore left an Orphan to Providence, or to my dear Creator & Saviour for whom I was born & destined surely.

To tell my dear Brethren & Sisters of the Goodness, the mercy & kindness, the love & faithfulness of My dear Lord & Saviour to me a poor Child. my weak words fall very short to express the praise that is due to him, from me, for his wonders have been without end, thanks, thousand thanks be to the Lamb for ever & ever. I will now relate some of the particulars of the tender lendings of My gracious & most faithfull Lord. The first impression of grace I remember, was when I was about four Years old, when one day kneeling by a choir with a book in my hand, in which was those words, Seek and ye shall find knock, & it shall

shall be append unto You, I felt somthing particular at the time, I had a very quick understanding for my years, and a very sensible feeling of what was right, and wrong I wanted to be a good Child that I might go to Heaven, on that account I was much praised, which wou’d have been more hurtfull to me, but the dear Holy Ghost who had begun his work in my heart, pleased me continualy, my wicked and sinfull nature, which kept me low & conscious that I did not deserve that praise, which was a grace to me at that time, so it checked my Satanick pride, which I felt very sensible, Yet from many circumstances I thought God must love me, but how it was I cou’d not tell, I knew I was a sinner, In my 11th year I was very thoughtfull and distress’d, felt guilt with the impression that I did not love God, nor cou’d I promise him which one day a little bird was made use of to shew me that I cou’d not praise my Creator even as a Bird cou’d I had also strange Idea’s about him, what kind of a form he had, and was much perplexed about it at this time I had a dream where in I thought God allmighty was in a parlour in the house where I was, and that he was a Man of which I was very glad, & thought then One cou’d be familliar with him. But not understanding the gracious lending of my dear Saviour, I continued extremly

extremly distress’d, thought I commited Sin evry moment by the strange thoughts I had, & they was of such a nature, I cou’d not tell them to any body, nor wou’d they have understood me, but wearied indeed with trying to help myself a thought came in my mind, As I can not help these thoughts God Almighty has nothing against me. In that moment my mercifull and compassinate Saviour drew near with his love and gave me peace, it was as If he said to me, I have nothing against thee, I was amazed but did not know how to account for it, to be loved by God in such a manner, from that time When those thoughts came again I cou’d believe he had nothing against me for it, but not under standing the right poor Sinners path I came into an esteem self rightious course, Striveing with all my might to be good by other means then Jesus blood, I fasted & prayd, wanting to be as good as the Primitive Christians, not likeing any one to be better then myself, here my Satanick pride show’d itself to a great degree, All how unwilling was I to be saved by grace I went on for some time in this manner. My Aunt dieing who brought me up, I became a Second time an Orphan indeed She treated me as If She had known my destination. Ah the wonders of My dear Saviours love which I did not then understand through His

His kind providence. In My 19th year I went to London into Lady Scarborough’s Family. who had sent for me to wait on her little Neice and My dear Saviour put it into her heart from the first moment to be remarkable kind to me, and the whole family shew’d a great regard & respect for my religious turn of mind, which they found was sincere (not on account of outward gifts or qualifications) but the dear Holy Ghost in whose School I then was, gave me a constant sence of My depraved nature in all it shapes, and finding I fell so far short of what I thought I shou’d be, this kept me low and in some sence humble, and kept the ballance against that hartfull prais which is often given. I served also in several other families namely Lord Orrory, Lady Charlott Edan’s & the Duke of Buckclugh. My dear Saviour and most faithfull Shepherd helped me through with all my imperfections so wonderfully that If I may humbly say so, I found favour with God, & Man, but I nor no body else, thought what was prepareing for me. In my 26th year I return’d to Lady Scarborough who always received me with the greatest kindness, At this time I fell again into self working fasted & prayed much, till I was quite wearied finding it did me no good, Once in the Year 42 while at prayer I felt somthing very blessed, it was quick like the fleeting of a Star

but it seemed to me all that was good, it was Light Peace, Joy, all happiness in One moment I thought it was the Holy Spirit, & praied to feel more of it. Soon after I received a letter concerning the preaching of the Methodists which I had never heard of. I was very much biggote to the Church & thought it a shame to go any where else I thought how ever I wou’d inquire about them what kind of people they wear, it happend at this time a Methodist came in My way, and by his conversation I was convinced of what I wanted, the knowledge of the atonement of our Saviour for My Sins, then all his gracious leading was brought to my mind so that I knew it was a faith from God, the person lent me a Sermon book of Sermons of Mr Whitfields the more I read the more it was opened to me that I wanted a Saviour, for my mind took a turn and I found some rest from my hardlabour, and saw that it was Christs rightousness that I wanted, I enterd with my whole mind into the matter, got all the books I cou’d of that kind amongst the rest I got the Brethrens little Hymn book which sat’d me exceedingly well espicialy One Verse, viz: If I glimpse in My own breast Feel of a Christian bliss Then on the truth of it let me rest. That such a Life there is. At length my good Lady found I had got Methodist books, but did not think I was so deep in the matter, for She had a better opinion of me then that I wou’d follow such people, but one time being

being with her at Court, She caught me reading a letter which she took from me, wherein She found I had been Once at the Tabernacle, She was much concern’d & took the greatest pain possible to diss waid me from it, but I was Devinly convinced of the truth of the Gospel, my Lady forbid me to go to the Tabernacle, I told her I cou’d wou’d not with out leting her Ladyship know, I thought I cou’d do with books & Stay at Home, at this time the family went into the Country, where was a good friend a Minister who took great pain to prevent my going too deep in my present Ideas, he brought me many books but to no purpose, my heart was afraid of the truth, We return’d to London and I grew very uneasy, found I cou’d not be faithful without going to hear the preaching, I therefore desired leave, which was not granted. My good Lady was now very much distress’d about me, She wanted to keep me, & out of Love & kindness she did her when what She cou’d to perswaid me, She wanted me again to be advis’d by some Minsters, I chose the Bishop of Oxford ([Thomas] Secker) for that purpose I was so clear in My matter I feared nothing, my Br went with me to the Bishop and accused me of leaving the Church, I told him it was because they did not preach our Saviours Sufferings, & I was fully asured nothing else cou’d

cou’d save me, this he aprov’d of, as to good work I said, when the tree is good, the fruit will be good, he was very tender with me finding I was Sincere If it was possible I was more confirm’d in my point then before, My dear Lady was much dissapointed but I cou’d not help it, here She rested, she had done all She cou’d but My matter remained to leave her, or have leave to to go to the preachings, at last I con’d do no longer, therefore went to hear the preaching, I was wanted before I came home again, My Lady ask’d me where I had been, I told her, She said I had gone without leave, I said because her Ladyship wou’d not have given the leave If I had ask’d upon this She sent me out of the room to see me no more, She was affraid to keep me on account of the Children & Servants, least I shou’d bring them into my way of thinking, & when I went with her to Court it was a shame at that time to be a Methodest. But My dear Saviour had prepared my way for me, I went to bed as composed as if nothing had happened, In the morning I rose with great chearfulness, like a Bird releas’d from a Cage, and agent to the Tabernacle at 6 o’Clock from Cavendish Square, which was a wonder of God for I had nothing, nor any prospect how I shou’d get my bread, had very little money, many hard things was set before me, and in myself nothing to depend on, nor had I any acquaintance here, Our dear Saviours words

words became litterally true, seek first the Kingdom of God & its Righteousness and all things shall be added unto You, I was like a Child turn’d out of doors (was again an Orphan) But my ever faithfull Lord whose Hand & Eye was over me cared for me in evry respect. My Lady gave me proof more of her kindness to me, finding I had no acquaintance, sent me word that I shou’d lodge there till I cou’d find a home the Servants was amaized at me, because I was otherwise no person of courage, but they did not know that I had found the Pearl of great price. I stay’d with my Brother in the day time till the preaching time at the Tabernacle, my Brother was very shy to me, he was sorry for My leaving such a good place. He look’d into my books, made a good observation & said all professions make the Scriptures there rule, but If this inward feeling can be true it must come from God. It pleased he to hear him say so much. I enquir’d of him for the Brethrens Chapel that I might see the people to whom by little Hymn Book belong’d (this was in Feby 1744) He directed me but when I came to Fetter Lane there was no preaching, I enquir’d at the Chapel House Sr Wheeler kindly ask’d me to come in Shewed me the Chapel, and what She told the at that time of Our Saviour walking amongst his People, made such an impression on me

me that I never shall forget. It Tallied with my own experience, I enquired if the Countes of Zinzendorf did not want a Servant, but heard She was not in England. I went to Speak with Mr Whitfield to advise with him, and found him at Br John Syms’s, I told them my case just as it was, Sr Syms according to her kind way in such cases took me into her house, thus I left my good Lady & all my old Friends, with greatfull thanks for all their kindness & I heartly pray that My dear Lady May not loose her reward, I cou’d do no other but follow my gracious Lord and Saviour, Br & Sr Syms Shewed me great kindness, Mr Whitfield & his Wife was also very kind to me, but Mr Whitfield going to Georgia in about six weeks, this connexion was ended. Br & Sr Syms being atach’d to the Brn I often went with them to Fetterlane, I had receive’d many blessings by going to the Tabernacle, at this time Br & Sr Syms moved, from which time I left off going to the Taber. Now my good Lord led me Step by Step as it pleased him both inwardly & outwardly in a most gracious manner which brings these lines to my mind. With patience immense, And love so intense, He hath led me on, I’m lost in amazment When thinking thereon. Now being come to my proper home, the dear Congn where I have enjoy’d more blessings then I am able to express, they have been so many, and so great, and my call to the dear Congn is so clear and weighty to me, that I can say, next to our Saviour, the Congn is the dearest

dearest thing to me, I am a Sinner to whom belongs nothing but shame & confusion of face, but it has pleased him to open to me the treasure of his Love & great Salvation, which has been sealed to me by his Spirit, by his Word, by his Congn as an eternal truth for such was my make that I must know it as a truth for myself, was truly convinced of unbeliefs, and my enmity against our Saviour, when this came to the highest pitch, I thought If there was another Saviour I wou’d have him, I felt condemned for the thought and in that moment I was overpowerd with the love and peace of my dear Saviour, and as If he said to me for all this I love thee. The feeling and impression of his nearness, bow’d me down in the dust before my gracious Lord, with this Sensation, The poor Sinners happy feeling, the holy shame. But My selfrighteousness still troubled me in various shapes, but in that feeling the following verse was sealed to me as the greatest truth, O precious precious blood, The only Holiness that’s good, Still drop, & flow & cover me, I cursed Sinner without thee. The Scripture, the preachings, the Hymns, where open’d with such truth & Life which I can’t describe.

I left Br & Sr Syms with greatfull thanks for all their care, and went to live with Mr Delamott at Black Heath to take care of Betsey Holand her Parents being gone to Germany, here I experienc’d something

something particular in the first place to my shame. I was shewn such love and respect from this dear family, but what relates particularly to the heart was as I have said the preachings had been so blessed to me, being now all at once taken from all meetings, which I felt much store by, it was amazing to me that I now enjoy’d such a Sabatic stillness & a Sunshine of peace for that time, that I wanted nothing, but was indeed as a Child at the breast. I was not Yet in the Congn tho’ I had defer’d it some time. Br & Sr Holand how comeing from Germany I went with their Daughter to live with them. I now thought much about being received into the Congn, but I had still to wait some time, which was very wholsome for the I was once much comforted by these words, Jesus thy affairs will think on, as thy ever loveing Head. At length the hour which certainly at the right moment, the Divine impression to me was, I am now in my Fathers House, this was May 18th 1747, and the 2d of Sept following I had the unspeakable grace to be a partaker of my dear Saviours body & blood in the Holy Sacrament.

In this period ah! how good & blessd was the Liturgies & all the Meeting to my poor heart beyond all expres sion, I had the grace to feel that in myself I was a poor Creature truely convinced no one worse, had a solid feeling what Sin is in all its odious Shapes I am sensible that I have given the dear Holy Ghost much trouble to

to keep me low as a sinner, my dear Brn & Srs will understand what that sensation is a solid feeling what is sin, but not to touch sin God forbid In this Year I went to live at Mile End with the Children here I had new appearings of my dear Saviours Love and grace especially relating to my Choir. I was drawn to read the Canticles & these Disciples of our Saviours love to his Church was opend to me with such truth & reallity as I can’t express The following verse was much impressed on my mind at this time, O thou the fairest of mankind

Thy beauty strike both heart & mind. But nothing is so fair in thee. As thy sweet form upon the tree and can thro’ his love & grace say Nothing has so struck me. As when God’s Spirit took me too Golgotha O God be prais’d This has a period in the Congn of some extravegances But can say for myself I am truly convinc’d by my own experiance that there was a glory from the Lord, indeed too great for earthly minds long to bear, but I expect to see it again in perfection without a Vail between, and with the whole Sinners train surround that Cavity where I shall dwell eternally, at this time that verse was realised to my heart, To be enamour’d I know well, To have the heart quite overflowing, For him alone to be so glowing Expressions only me here fail. About this

this time I also had a new school for my own heart concerning the Virgin Station, and found that only by partaking of the Nature of the only Virgin man one cou’d deserve that Character, this was made very clear to me, Fair gifts of my creation, quite spirit’d made me disspair for this grace, the knowledge of myself (in this particular) I adore & thank my dear Lord & his Spirit for teaching me the way to turn to his precious blood, which alone can cleanse our hearts and make all good, I found it an antidote against all those sins that stick so close to our nature.

In the year 1751 I was sent to care for the Single Srs in Ockbrook and in Sepr 1757 I receiv’d a call to go to Tytherton for the same purpose, and arrived there in the Angels, this Jurney I shall never forget, it was very much bless’d to me through the nearness of my gracious Lord, and the impression I had of the aid of his dear Angels, July 19th 1763 I return’d again to Ockbrook, and Decr 11th 1772 I arrived in London where I hope to finish my poor & insignificant labour, In all these places my best Friend has help’d me through in wholesome poverty both internally & externally, and I can say with the Disciples, I have lacked nothing, have been rich in the midst of poverty, here I desire to give my due thanks to My dear Brethren &

and Srs, and particularly those of My own Choir for their love kindness & patience towards me. But ah! how much is due to by dearest & best Friend & lover, for his Election of grace & for the knowledge of his dear Wounded Person, his precious blood, and all what he is to me, I conclude with the 30th verse of the 43d Chapter of Eccleasiasties which well express my mind, When You Glorify the Lord, exalt him as much as God can; for even Yet will he far exceed; and when You exalt him, put forth all Your Strength, and be not weary, for You can never go for enough.

Thus far our late Sisters account.

Having serv’d the Single Sisters Choirs with great faithfulness, and blessing in several Congns (had the confidence of her Sisters who always found in her a kind and Sympathizing friend ready to share with them in joy & smart, the prosperity of every One laying very near her heart) till her bodily infirmities wou’d no longer permit her to do what her heart & mind was Still willing for June 20th 1782 She arrived here in Fulneck to injoy a Sabath. During the 8 years of her abode here, She often express’d her gratitude to our Saviour for his kind leadings of her through this Vale of tears and that she had the favour to enjoy her time of rest in this dear Congn. She had the love and respect of ev’ry one that knew her we can with truth give her this testimony that She approved herself

herself among us as a real Child of peace.

At our last Choir Festival She was present at all the meetings, which was the last time she was able to go out after which She lost her strength very perceptably but her longing to be at home with her dearst Lord encreased daily, two days before her happy departure She said a Sr that was with her with great emotion of heart, I go to our Saviour as the greatest Sinner, not one so great as I am, but this I can tell You, He has pardon’d all my transgressions & clothed me in the robe of his righteousness, on the 27th of May at 11 o’Clock in the forenoon She desir’d to be helped up I see she said our Saviour he to here, now he will soon fetch me, after which she lay mostly Still, till 7 o’Clock in the Evening when the long wish’d for moment came, that She departed softly & happily into the joy of her Lord with the blessing of her Choir in the 76th year of her Age.