A Copy of the course of Life of the Single Sister Sarah Christiana Nichols, who Departed this Life at Tytherton in Wiltshire; as left in her own hand-writing.
It has frequently been a subject of doubt with me whether I should leave any written account of my course thro’ time. The benefit I have often received from the testimonies of deceased Brethren and Sisters has made me feel a wish also to declare what the Lord hath done for my Soul. (Impressed with this desire, most gracious God and Savior, I entreat the aid of thy Holy Spirit to teach and guide my heart and hand, so that every sentence may be penned with the only view to humble the sinner, and exalt the Savior, and to set forth the power of divine grace and mercy.)
I was Born December 12th. 1768. at Brinkworth in Wiltshire, my Parents were members of the Brethrens Church, and the meetings were held weekly at their house; so that from early infancy I had the priviledge of being instructed in the ways of Salvation. My Dear Parents, whose chief concern it was that their children might learn to know and
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2. love God our Savior, sought every opportunity of directing my attention to Him, as the Friend of Children, often telling me how much he had done and suffered to make me eternally happy- Well do I remember some affecting conversation of my dear Mother upon this interesting subject, and the salutary impression thereby made upon my mind. But it pleased our Savior to remove this tender parent out of time when I was only in my 8th year, too young to be aware of the loss I had sustained. My dear Father, to whom I was exceedingly attached, was of course deeply affected by this bereavement, being left a Widower with 4 Children of whom I was the eldest; but his redoubled kindness and affection soon obliterated all trouble from my volatile spirits. At this time I went with other children to the village school, where I heard many hurtful things to which I was totally unaccustomed, and which made me often very uneasy. I was also ridiculed by my companions on account of the religion of my Parents, which they loaded with the greatest absurdities, and the most unjust accusations. These insinuations, which I knew to be false affected my mind in various way, and often depressed my spirits. I earnestly entreated my Father to
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3. Father to remove me from this irksome situation as soon as possible, which no doubt was his wish, as well as mine; and to my inexpressible joy, I obtained leave to live in the Sisters Choir House in Tytherton, and went thither July 19th. 1776. being then only in the 10th Year of my age. A new period now commenced with me, I esteemed it a favor to be in a habitation which I looked upon as dedicated to the Lord, and to have the privilege of attending so many meetings. Our Savior was pleased to manifest Himself to my heart in a distinguished manner: I could in simplicity spread all my wants before Him, and received many assurances of His love and mercy. I delighted to converse with my companions upon these subjects, and to describe what passed in my soul. I often longed and prayed for some divine intimation that my individual petitions were heard by our Savior, and He condescended to satisfy me in this respect, in so various and striking a manner, as never to be forgotten: it excites at this moment sensations of gratitude wonder and praise. After I had began -O had I but
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4. so proceeded. But alas! the depravity of my nature soon began to marr my peace: I found the childlike confidence in the Lord, which I had hitherto enjoyed gradually diminish, and cold indifference take place; or at other times my mind was harassed by unbelieving doubts and fears. I durst not disclose my situation of mind, being impressed with the idea, that there was not such another being in the whole creation of God! and that if the wickedness of my heart was discovered by those around me, I should no longer be suffer’d to remain with the people of the Lord. O how many anxious hours might I have been spared could I have opened my mind to some experienced friend, who would have given me proper advice, and directed me to the fountain which is opened for sin, and uncleanness. This uneasiness of mind took place before I was 12 years of age, and continued a long time. About a year after this I grew sickly, and had much bodily pain and weakness to struggle with, which with anxiety of mind, was at times almost insupportable; but the latter I endeavoured to conceal as much as possible. I often tried to make my self better, and resolved to begin anew;
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5. anew; knowing all was wrong with me, and that there must be a change, but how to effect it I knew not, I found that all my resolutions came to nothing, and I only grew worse and worse. At length I concluded that if the Lord pleased, he could change my heart, but that I could do nothing; it was therefore best to make my self as easy as possible, which I endeavour’d to do. But thanks be to my Savior, he did not leave Himself without a witness in my soul, tho’ I alas, too often rejected his calls and disobeyed his voice. Thus I went on, till about the middle of my 16th. year. My Choir Laboress one day called me aside, and in a very affectionate manner express’d her concern on my account, saying she feared I was going on unconcerned about the salvation of my soul, and trifling with my call of grace. I was exceedingly struck: acknowledged her remarks were too just, but said, there was times, when I was very uneasy. This led to much serious conversation on her part, and in the sequel she told me, that two of my companions would have the favor to be received into the Congregation on the following day, of which she thought proper to apprize me. I thanked
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6. her for her kindness towards me, and withdrew. But never shall I forget what passed in my soul after this interview. I was roused as it were from sleep: and began to ask myself, what had I been doing? My conscience spoke aloud and accused me of the basest ingratitude, and most unpardonable neglect. The Holy Spirit, whose sacred work it is to convince men of sin, set mine before me in dreadful array, so that the burthen of them seemed too great to be borne. I passed the night in very great anxiety, and the morning brought me no relief. I sought to be alone, where I might give vent to my grief without observation. It being Sunday I however went to the forenoon Preaching hoping to obtain some comfort, but alas! my heart was not sufficintly broken yet. The Congregation meetings which followed, I had leave to attend, but I thought, no; they do not belong to me; I have no right to sit in such an assembly. But it was as if an inward monitor compelled me, and resistance was in vain. I therefore seated myself in the Chapel, feeling as an out-cast, who had neither part nor lot in the matter. I endeavored to recollect that the Lord
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7. was gracious, and that I had felt his love when a child, but this seemed only to increase my condemnation. However the happy moment of my deliverance now drew near: during the meeting for reception, the grace of God was so powerfully operative in my soul, that my proud spirit was humbled: my heart seemed to melt within me: I thought, who knows, but there may be mercy even for me! And the gracious answer was given. – Yea, for thee! I have brought thee with my blood: thou art mine, saith the Lord! and thou also belongest, in an especial manner to this fold. O what sensations of gratitude and wonder then pervaded me: it was truly like one who had received life from the dead. My doubts and fears vanished and the load which had so sorely oppressed me was removed, I now thought, if I had a thousand hearts they should be devoted to Him, who had merited such happiness for the vilest of sinners. Ah! “Little then my self I knew .” – Little was I aware of the corruption still dwelling within me, which would yet occasion so much smart. I now felt an ardent desire to be acknowledged a member of the Brethrens Church, believing I might thereby be more established in grace, and my happiness increased. In a short time therefore I made application for this privilege, not doubting but I should soon
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8. obtain my wish, having previously felt such a powerful conviction that this people was indeed my people, and their God, my God. But my hopes were disappointed, which I could not at that time understand, and even presumed to wonder at others being preferred before me. But wonder shortly ceased: The vileness of my nature appeared to me a sufficient reason, why my request should not be granted, till a change should take place. I often thought. – Oh that I could find a person whose case was, or had been similar to my own: what a relief would it be to unbosom my self to such an one; and to hear how they found help. Then the idea, but, “there are no such,” was continually recurring to my mind: “it is in vain to think about it.” But, perhaps the Lord requires it of me, and such a disclosure is necessary to promote the future welfare of my soul. This was a just conclusion, could I have ventured to abide by it; but the time was not yet come. After many months had elapsed in this way, I at last resolved entirely to give up what I had so long and so ardently desired, being persuaded that I could not obtain such a favor till
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9. till my heart was thoroughly changed, and the burthen of my sinful nature removed far from me. The grace of God our Savior was alone able to effect this, I knew, and I trusted that in his good time he would perform it. I had not then learned, that complete deliverance from indwelling corruption is not to be attained in this imperfect state. At this time, when I least expected it, my request was granted, and I was received a member of the Brethrens Congregation July 25th. 1784. This appeared to me a favor of which I was very undeserving, and my sensations may easier be conceived than described. The desperate wickedness of my heart, however, lay as a heavy burthen on my mind; I believed, notwithstanding, that the Lord would help me by some means which I could not see or understand. and, Blessed be His Sacred name! He did not put my confidence to shame. In a few days after the above transaction, a Sister with whom I had previously conversed upon various subjects, sought an opportunity to be with me alone, and first expressed much pleasure at my admission
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10. to that Church fellowship, to which I was called, thro’ grace, and for which, she knew, I had long been a candidate. But said she, you must excuse me, if I tell you that I felt much concern likewise on your account. For what reason I asked; she replied, because your countenance indicated to me, that there was a load on your spirits. Can you say there is not? I was astonished beyond measure, and enquired if she thought I had been guilty of some outward transgression, which lay heavy on my conscience. By no means, was the reply. it is sins of the heart only which I have in view. I burst into tears and was unable to reply. she therefore proceeded, and I soon found, that she was no stranger to my inward sorrows, Oh what joy did this occasion! My unwilling tongue was now loosed, and I felt freedom, to disclose the hidden source of grief, to which I had so long been a prey. The advice and encouragement I received from this dear Sister, whose experience corresponded very nearly with my own, was such a relief and consolation to my mind, as no language can describe: We wept together. and surely the blessed
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11. Spirit of God accompanied her words to my heart, and opened my understanding to see things in a new light. How precious did the blood of atonement now appear to my soul. I saw and was thankful to see that tho’ I should remain a sinful creature, yet the merits, and grace of a crucified Savior mere abundantly sufficiently to save me from the condemning power of the love of sin. This was an important hour to me! such as will never be forgotten in time, nor, I have often thought, even in eternity. The friend I have alluded to, has long been at home with the Lord; and surely, if we shall hereafter be permitted to know those who have been instrumental to our happiness, she cannot escape my notice, when I have the favor to arrive in that Haven of rest. – I hope I shall be excused for dwelling much on this circumstance; it was of great consequence to me, and I most sincerely wish, that if any young persons should hear this account, whose case is any degree similar, they may here be encouraged to open their mind freely, and without disguise, to some experienced friend, who knows how to give them good advice: it will remove a heavy burthen, and promote their growth in grace,
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12. and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. It is true that He alone can effectually relieve the distressed soul, but it is our duty to use the appointed means. I need scarcely say, that from this time, a great change took place in my heart, and that for a season, I felt inexpressibly happy: my soul did truly magnify the Lord, and my Spirit rejoiced in God my Savior. I now saw and believed, that the blood of Jesus Christ, shed on Calvary; was not only a fountain once opened for sin and uncleanness, but that it is a never failing stream to which poor sinners may daily apply: that notwithstanding all their defilements of the flesh and of the spirit, they may wash here and be clean. What a precious truth! and how exactly suited to my need! My only wish now was, to be the entire property of Him who had done so much for me, and to devote my self to him, with spirit, soul, and body. – “As I am so take me, – With my worst and best; – Ever thine preserve me, – Till with thee I rest.” Was the sincere and unfeigned language of my heart. Who would think; – after such grace bestowed, we should be so prone to forsake the one only fountain, and to hew to ourselves cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water; But such is the depravity of the human
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13. heart! Who can know it? In October the same year, I was favor’d to be spectator at the Holy Communion, which filled me with gratitude and praise. The moments I spent beholding the Congregation partake of their divine repast, were some of the happiest in my whole life, I will not attempt to describe what I enjoyed; Suffice it to say, it was inexpressible delight, such as has seldom fallen to my lot here below; nor perhaps would it have been the best for me. for through human weakness, even this proved the occasion of some perplexity. When I became a Candidate for the Holy Communion on Good- Friday 1785. I was led to expect the same degree of enjoyment as before, but was not so favor’d, at which I felt disappointed. To be a partaker of the Lord’s body and blood sacramentally appeared very important to me, and I felt unworthy of such a privilege. My views, at this time, were certainly too legal, and I formed erroneous ideas respecting the proper state of heart, in which we should draw nigh to the Table of the Lord. On the 17th. of April, after previous confirmation, I par took of the Lords Supper, with the Congregation the first time. But instead of that sanctity and holiness which I thought indispensable for every communicant to enjoy at
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14. at this solemn feast, I was permitted to feel my self viler than the vile, so that I feared and trembled exceedingly. Yet I afterwards was enabled to turn in prayer to our Savior, and he granted me such a sweet sensation of his pardoning love, that my doubts were removed, and by degrees I learned to know, that a broken and contrite heart is most acceptable in his sight, and that poverty of spirit is the best preparation for this sacred ordinance. Some months now elapsed, in which I enjoyed true peace and rest; I seemed to have obtained all I wished; nor would I have exchanged my lot for all this world could afford. But a severe trial was at hand, of which a secret voice seemed occasionally to warn me; but I earnestly prayed that the stroke might be averted, thinking it would be heavier than I could bear. My Dear Fathers health had been declining for some years, and he grew very infirm. My attachment to him had been great. and deservedly so, from early infancy. The many prayers I have heard him offer at the throne of grace, for all his children, and my self in particular, have been ever considered among the numberless mercies, for which I am indebted to sovereign and unmerited goodness. In August I went with my Sister to pay him
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15. a visit, and the change I saw in his countenance made me fear that his sickness would end in dissolution. During the few days that he survived, he was mostly delirious, but had many lucid intervals. In one of these he saw me standing by his bed, and asked me why I wept? I answered, Because I know not, what I shall do
when you are removed hence. He replied, “Trust in the Lord! He hath been my Friend; He will be yours also.” These words have often come into my mind since that day. On the 12th. his happy soul took flight, and I was left to deplore his loss, which I did in such bitterness of soul, as will never be forgotten. I refused to be comforted, and could see no pleasure in any created thing, and if I heard any expression of joy: I wondered where it was to be found! The sight of my dear Brothers and Sister heightened my grief, and surely, had not an unseen hand supported me at this trying period, I must have been overwhelm’d. Several circumstances tended to aggravate my distress, and one in particular. It was Judged proper that I, being the eldest, should continue with my Brothers, and not return to Tytherton with my Sister. This was an unexpected stroke, and made me
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16. made me still more earnestly intreat our Savior, to take me into eternal safety: as I foresaw, that much hurt to my soul might ensue. Going to rest one night with an anxious and burthened mind, as usual, I besought the Lord with many tears to save and deliver me from what I so much dreaded; ’till at length weary and oppressed I fell asleep, and had the following remarkable dream. I thought my self possess’d of a Beautiful ring, but how, or by what means I received it, I could never recollect; it was placed on my right hand, and I was commanded never to lose it, or suffer it to be removed. This I thought an easy injunction, which I could without difficulty obey. In the midst of the ring was a large stone so brilliant that it dazzled my sight. I was well aware of its value: that with it, I should be eternally secure, and without it, I should be eternally lost! Awful alternative! How ought I to have trembled at the thought, But I gazed on the precious gem with delight, and rejoiced in my safety. My vain heart soon suggested to me, that every beholder would be struck with admiration when they saw its transcendant lustre. Immediately I was surrounded by a large company of people, and my vanity was gratified by seeing all eyes fixed on the inestimable Jewel with which I was adorned. They begged for a nearer view, and I reluctantly yielded
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17. yielded to their request. Instantaneously I found the ring was withdrawn: I attempted to grasp it; but it fell to the ground, from whence I snatched it with eager
haste, and found to my utter confusion, the stone was gone: I sought it with many tears, crying aloud to those about me for help, but none assisted me: and when I looked around I found my self forsaken and alone. Left indeed to all the horrors of despair. The door of hope was closed, and my torment seemed already begun. In this dreadful situation, I saw my dear departed Father coming towards me, and dreaded his frown, but when I ventured to lift up my eyes, his countenance denoted pity and compassion: and he kindly asked me the cause of my grief. I am undone for ever! was the reply, reciting my irretrievable loss, and adding, your removal out of this world is the cause of all my misfortunes. He answered, “The Lord sees your afflictions, and has permitted me, to tell you, that stone was not in your power to keep: it was given you for a trial, but it will be preserved in safer hands, and will be produced in your behalf at the time when you most need it.” This was like the news of Pardon, to a condemned criminal! I now took courage and told him all that oppressed me: How I dreaded having any intercourse with the world, but wished rather for dissolution. And concluded
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18. by requesting permission to go with him. He answered, not now, but you shall come hereafter. Thereupon he vanished out of my sight, and I awoke; my mind being impressed with such sensations of awe and gratitude, as I cannot express in words. And though I lay no stress upon dreams in general, yet I must, and do believe that this was permitted for wise purposes. My Heavenly Father knew my critical situation, and how dangerous it was to my youth and inexperience, to be in my measure exposed to a vain and treacherous world, totally unacquainted, as I was, with its enticing snares. And He who wept at the grave of Lazarus, did not disdain to notice my tears and sorrows over the loss of my best earthly Friend. After the above mentioned circumstance my burthen was somewhat alleviated. I felt a humble confidence in God my Savior, and could apply many precious promises contained in His Holy word to my self. That tho Fatherless children are peculiar objects of divine compassion, is a consolatory truth, which proves a balm to my wounded mind. I believed that I had a Father in Heaven; who was not unmindful of my individual concerns; and this afforded me real comfort. But notwithstanding all the loving kindness and tender mercy shown me by the Lord, at this memorable period of my life, I felt a dread of impending danger into which I was liable to plunge, thro’
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19. the deceitfulness of sin, and the depravity of my corrupt nature; Unless some special mark of divine favor and acceptance should be vouchsafed unto me, which I had hitherto not obtained. I had heard of children of God who had been favored with extraordinary manifestations of our Lords presence to the eyes of their mind, and of their being assured of the forgiveness of their sins, in so powerful a manner, as to preclude, from that hour all doubt upon the subject. I had often prayed that such experience might be mine, and now it appeared so needful to me, that I was convinced I ought not to rest satisfied, till I had obtained it. But the Lords ways are not our ways. nor His thoughts our thoughts! I was seeking great things for my self on which I might depend, and forgot that my strength lay only in looking daily unto Jesus, and that by relying upon Him alone I could be preserved. It pleased our Savior to convince me of my error, in this respect, by means of a discourse to the congregation, treating of our Lords various leadings with his children, and how their faith was often put to the test, as in the case of the Woman of Canaan. When she besought Him to heal her daughter. Her humility and faith struck me, as being recorded for my imitation, and seemed to point out exactly that, wherein I was wanting. I felt conscious, that the smallest crumb of grace was more than I deserved, and yet much had been given unto me. That I had no right to
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20. dictate to our Savior, but night, humbly and thankfully, to take out of His hands, what he was pleased to bestow. His gracious words. Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed”,were applied, by the Holy Spirit. with such power to my heart, that I was enabled with conviction, to say, My Lord, and my God! I now believe that thy grace is sufficient for me, and that to take out of thy fullness day by day, is the sinners only safety.” I now, for a season enjoyed true rest for my soul. Humble, and poor in spirit, I found that peace which the world can neither give or take away. To live in close communion with the Friend of sinners, was my only desire. “Whom have I in Heaven, but thee? and there is none on earth that I desire beside thee?” Was the unfeigned language of my heart. I felt, indeed, much concern at being, in a great measure, separated from the Congregation, and more especially from my companions, with whom I had enjoyed so sweet fellowship; and often did I sigh to the Lord. on this account, when no human friend was nigh to whom I could impart my feelings. October 11th. 1786. I was present when the Sisters at Tytherton entered into their newly erected House, and the idea of not being an Inhibitant of the same caused such painful sensations within my breast, as I am not able to describe. I returned home with a heavy heart, begging the Lord to interpose in my behalf. But it pleased Him, that I should
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21. first learn much of human instability, and of the latent evil which lay in my deeply corrupted heart. Finding that my hope of returning to the Sisters House,
was not likely to be realized, I began to reflect on what some of my friends had frequently suggested to me, Viz: That I was too much set upon it, and that I ought to make my mind bend to circumstances. This was well meant advice, I am convinced, though in my ears, it had often sounded harsh and unfeeling; yet now I began to think it had great weight, and that it was needful I should adopt it, which I would endeavour to do with all my might. But alas! How did I mistake the way! I thought the only means of doing this is to seek for society: and to mix with the world, in some degree; for to live the life of a recluse, is surely not the way to be happy. I had many relatives who sought my company, but from whom I had hitherto stood aloof, knowing their views did not correspond with mine. But now I began to associate with them, and others of my acquaintance with less scrupulosity; and might, probably, with safety, had I but rightly known what it is to be in the world, and not of the world; but this I had not learned; and alas! I soon began to discover, that the world had charms which I was before a stranger to, but which suited my depraved nature too well, and soon became a snare to me. O had not the faithful Shepherd now kept his hand over me, where should I have been!
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22. But blessed be His name, He never left me alone, but followed me through all the mazes and windings, into which I was led by a heart that is deceitful above all things. The 2 Years that followed, I would rather pass over in silence, though they were some of the most remarkable in my whole life, and perhaps also not the
least useful. Could I describe the experience I made and what my soul passed through during this period, it might, probably, almost stagger belief: but I will not
attempt it. it is only known to Him, who neither slumbers, nor sleeps, and who watched over me with unremitting care, never suffering me to wander far from the way of peace, without a pang. This I count a peculiar mercy. Well can I remember sitting in cheerful company, and feeling that a mark was set upon me, which made me singular to others, and a burthen to my self; and which |with shame I [?] it| I would gladly have shaken off, in order to be light and easy as the rest. What work this for repentance! Ah! How did my heart condemn me, when I reflected on the awful state of being ashamed of Jesus, and even of wishing to throw off the very appearance of being a follower of the Lamb. Notwithstanding all my exertions to appear like those I associated with, to join in the laugh, and partake of their innocent mirth |as it is termed|
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23. the warning, “Come out from among them, and be ye separate.” often sounded in my ears, with a voice, like thunder, and embittered all: An Involuntary sigh would frequently escape, which, when noticed, was sure to produce raillery, and the accusation of being sanctimonious and righteous over much. Ah! I thought; you little know, how far this is from being the real case: you are little aware, how I feel. At other times, I was commended for piety, for prudence, steady conduct &c. &c. by persons wishing themselves and others were like me, in regard to these good qualities. This, above all the rest, stung me to the quick; their good opinion of me served only to condemn me |as a hypocrite.| On the other hand, my conduct was narrowly watched by well meaning friends, who passed censure upon me sometimes with more zeal than charity; and caused me much anxiety, which might have been spared, But they had my good in view, I have no doubt. Many times in the distress and perplexity of my mind, I have wished for some cave or hermitage far from the abodes of men, where I might hide from every prying eye; where no loathsome flattery could reach me, on the one hand; nor uncharitable censures on
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24. on the other; and where I might escape the snares and temptations that seemed to thicken around me, and with which I was too weak to contend. I have before observed, that meetings were held at our house on Sundays, and the Holy Communion administered every 4 weeks. this blessed ordinance I trembled to approach and continually resolved to absent my self from it; but a monitor within prevented me and would not suffer me to keep my self away. It may be wondered at by some, that in the state of mind I have described, I could venture to partake of the Lords Holy supper, but I verily believe it to be one of those peculiar mercies which ought to be recorded by me with the warmest gratitude; for every approaching celebration led me to self examination, and compelled me to cry to Him, who was able to deliver me from this bondage in which I was held by the world and sin, and to speak pardon and peace to my troubled heart. This He did, blessed be His name! when the favor was least expected, so that I was constrained to own, with tears of Joy, “it is good for me to be here! Another circumstance in the chain of events at this peculiarly trying period of my life I have ever considered a particular blessing. The Minister, who, served in this small part of the Congregation was an old
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25. experienced Brother who appeared well acquainted with the human heart, and knew how to sympathize with the weak and broken hearted sinner. His ministry was much blessed to my soul, and his conversations often encouraged me to cast my burthen again, and again at the feet of Jesus, where none can ever perish. I felt freedom frequently to disclose to him many of the ills which annoyed me, and his fatherly advice and counsel has strengthened my confidence in God my Savior. He has long been at home with the Lord, with those, “who rest from their labor, and their works do follow them.” Amidst all the vicissitudes and purturbations of mind I passed through at this memorable time, my connection with the Brethrens Church remained valuable to me, and I never doubted, but this people was my people, and their God, my God. if I might only be preserved from forfeiting my call of grace, by my own faults and unfaithfulness, which alas! I often feared. Once, however, I did form the resolution, for a few hours, only, to leave the Congregation though it would be at my peril. But after I retired to rest, fully intending to put the deep resolve in execution, and pleased that I had so far made up my mind, cost what it would, not to draw back, I could but be unhappy. Here the hand
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26. of God arrested me, and made me fear, and tremble exceedingly in his presence. My heart smote me with anguish unutterable and I could only cry out in the bitterness of my soul. “Lord have mercy upon me! and forgive the rebellious thought and intent of my heart, thy poor erring, and disobedient child.” the imaginations of whose heart are evil, and that continually. This anxious petition was heard, and the thought of my heart was pardoned, but my pillow was wetted with many tears, before I received an answer of peace. From this time I was more than ever convinced that it would indeed be a fearful thing for me to forsake the path in which the Lord had called me to walk; and I intreated Him to preserve me therein to the end of my days, whether it was rough, or smooth. “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me. Bless his holy name.” I have often been struck with still another peculiar mercy of the Lord vouchsafed to me at this time, which I ought to record, to his praise. I had always been remarkably fond of reading, I may say immoderately so, because it was burthensome and a snare. During my abode in the Sisters house, I had often found it so, for many times when engaged at work, I have felt such an insatiable thirst after knowledge, in
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27. information, and food for the mind, which I thought was only to be acquired by reading a variety of books; that I have been led to murmur against providence, that such a strong desire was implanted within me, and the means of gratifying it withheld! Now, many books were put into my hands, of which I knew nothing before, some of which I read with pleasure and satisfaction: they left no taint on the mind. But a certain description of books, particular those pernicious ones, called Novels, were not only offered to me, but every arguments used, that could be thought of, to induce me to read them. In time past I should not have hesitated much, yea, perhaps might have perused them with eagerness; but now I felt such an inward check that I durst not touch them, fearing that if I once began, I should not know where to stop, but should fall deeper and deeper into error. What can I ascribe this circumstance to, but alone to the power of restraining and preventing grace? From the time of my dear Fathers decease, I was convinced that the business we were left to conduct would never answer, and was very uneasy about it, but could not resolve to make my mind known to our guardian. My youngest Brother was now apprentic’d, but the eldest, with whom I lived, was unprovided for, and must in a case of
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I28. separation, seek a situation, as he would have no home or employment, this thought cut me to the heart, as I was much attach’d to him, and I deferred it from time to time, though at the expense of peace of mind to which I was now, a stranger. I was distressed and perplexed on every side. and my burthen seemed frequently greater than I could bear the more so, as I could tell no one the real state of my mind. This was in the year 1788. the last of my residence in Brinkworth; for after long delay, I did, at length, propose to our guardian that the business should be given up, and he readily agreed to it. But now my distress was increased by the thought of my dear brother situation, whose comfort and happiness was inseparable from my own. The danger I was in, became more and more evident to me, and the Savior demanded of me to sacrifice everything however dear and near it might be, if it stood in the way of my souls prosperity. In the autumn I paid a visit to Tytherton, thinking I should not remove thither, till the following spring, but many of my intimates, who discovered something of the anxious state of mind I was in, endeavored to prevail on me to come without delay, and leave the winding up of our affairs to be managed by a near relative, who might stay with my brother until it was accomplished. I knew this was good advice, and wished I was at liberty to follow it, but it appeared utterly impossible, that I should leave a beloved another so suddenly, when I had not even told him
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29. what was intended: O what pangs did this occasion: my conscience seemed to accuse me of cruel treatment to one I so much loved, and the enemy of my soul loaded me with the foulest reproaches that can be imagined tillI really felt on the verge of destruction. But it may well be said that our extremity is Gods opportunity! Just at this critical period, He was pleased to raise me up a Friend, a person with whom I had no previous acquaintance; but whose first conversation with me was of such a nature that it knit my soul to hers, in a manner I knew nothing of before. Her words were as balm to my wounded spirit, her apparent knowledge of my case, by her own experience, struck me with wonder and amazement. I was constrained to confess, “This is the Lord’s doing, and it is indeed marvelous, in my eyes.” After repeated conversations with the same dear friend, and the tenderness she showed to convince me, that staying longer, where I was, would be an error, and might be more fatal to my peace than I was aware of. My conscience owned, that these observations were just, but how to put it in practice I knew not. The flesh strove hard against the spirit, and I seemed ready to sink under the dreadful conflict! At length I sought a place alone, where no human eye could witness my distress, and fixed
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30. upon our little burying ground, at Tytherton, at that time, a most retired spot, where many an aching heart was poured out to Him who seeth in secret. Here I gave full vent to my pent up feelings: I wept and prayed aloud, entreating the Lord, to remove a burthen which was too heavy for me. At length, quite exhausted and overcome I threw my self on my grave of my dear departed Father, indulging for some moments an agony of grief which is indeed unutterable. Then falling prostrate, I besought our Savior to make his will known to me so clearly, that I could not be mistaken, and to give me grace and strength, to do what was pleasing in his sight, even though it was cutting off a right hand, or plucking out a right eye! I would then no longer consult with flesh and blood, but would sacrifice every human feeling for the enjoyment of that peace which the world can neither give or take away! Scarcely were these resolutions formed in my mind, but the friend of sinners drew near; and, as the good Samaritan, He poured oil, and wine, into my bleeding wounds, and verifyed his gracious promise. “In this man will I look, who is of a humble and contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word.” His tender love and compassion melted my soul like wax before Him; (and I thought if I had a thousand hearts; they should all be devoted to Him without reserve.)
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31. The conflict was now decided; I was at no loss to know His will: and I felt assured, that He would strengthen my weakness, so that I should be able to perform what He required of me, though I had much before me to contend with, I was aware. In this frame of mind, I soon returned home, and without delay, I informed my brother and other friends of my intentions. By many, I was highly blamed, and by some commended. But I had resolved, nor did I repent it. Whatever my feelings might suffer, I determined, by God’s help to stand firm. He did help me; and I fixed on November 12th. 1788. for returning to Tytherton. The Daily- word for that day, which I had not previously noticed, was remarkable; “Come and let us return “unto the Lord, for He hath torn, and He will heal “us; He hath smitten, and He will bind us up.” I was much struck with these words, they sunk deep into my heart. At length the day arrived when I was to bid adieu to my Paternal home, and to a much loved Brother! An old faithful servant of my late Fathers came on purpose to accompany me, and we set out together. I walked and wept. without uttering a word; but my heart was lifted up to my Savior, and He supported me most graciously in soul and body, or I must have sunk under the weight that lay upon me. In the evening I arrived safe at Tytherton to the
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32. Sisters House. and met with a hearty reception from all my former associates, particularly my Dear Sister which excited gratitude and thankfulness. “What shall I render unto the Lord “for all His benefits!” The following day I had the favor to celebrate the solemn festival of the 13th of November with the Congregation. It was a day I never can forget, nor can I describe what passed within my breast: Suffice it to say, that a sense of the Lord’s mercies to one of the most unworthy was so overwhelming, that my senses were confounded with amazement and Joy. “Shame and wonder, joy, and love; “These at once possessed my mind; “That I e’er so vile should prove, “And yet, forgiveness find! I now had to set out in life upon new ground. My whole maintenance, with a very trifling exception, must depend upon my own hands, which had not been the case before, and which with my state of health, liable to continual interruptions, and always delicate, I knew would be no easy task; and would subject me to many deprivations, which my constitution and disposition were but little calculated to sustain. and in the sequel, these circumstances caused me many a heavy hour. Indeed, I may remark here, that my frequent ill health was, in these years,
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33. more a cause of mental suffering, than even of bodily pain, though the latter was often of a trivial kind. I could however, at times, “Cast all my “care upon Him, who cared for me.” and believe that all was working together for my souls good. And I have no doubt, but every cross was a needful one, designed by my Heavenly Father, and all wise Savior to keep me nearer to Himself. My dear Brother’s care, was still a great weight on my mind, and embittered the daily comforts of my life, because I believed, that after he was without a proper home, his comforts were but few. In the summer of 1789 it pleased God to relieve both him and myself from this perplexity, by his being taken into the Family of a kind Uncle, who treated him, as his own child, and where he remained until his marriage. At the early age of 30 he was called out of time into eternity. My spiritual enjoyments were at this time, many and precious: I prized my lot to live again in a Sisters house, where I felt we were for the most part, of one heart, and one mind. The meetings I also valued highly, and can remember upon some occasions, when I have longed for the hour to strike which called us to Chapel in the evening, as much as a hungry stomach would desire to be fed, at the usual time, with a meal. I might, I think, be allowed
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34. allowed to say of much of this period of my existence. These were golden day, Sweetly spent in prayer and praise. But not all. My depraved heart still caused me much to sigh over. and many anxious hours. I also depended too much upon frames and feelings. This was presuming too much. to rely on the promises of God our Savior, contained in his Holy word, to confide in Him in gloomy hours as well as lightsome days, and to keep the eye of faith directed to His complete atonement. and to that finished salvation, purchased for us, when He bowed His head, and died upon the cross, is the sinners only safety; for if we put any dependance in our own attainments of whatsoever kind they may be, we are misled. We are surely forsaking the fountain of living water. Private conversation, on spiritual subjects, were at this time particularly needful: Well for me, that I had a friend who shared in all my concerns, and to whom I could unbosom my self without reserve. Indeed our love and confidence was mutual, and we oft took sweet counsel together. Besides this special favor conferred upon me, there were other dear friends, with whom I delighted to converse, whose observations, though perhaps, then, not so fully understood, were treasured up in my memory. and have been useful in subsequent years.
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35. In the spring of 1790. it was judged proper to establish a preparatory institution in Tytherton for the purpose, of receiving young people, who applied for leave to live in the Sisters house: and a proposal was made to me, with five or six others to make the beginning: I felt much hesitation, and would rather have been excused; but consented to go, in reliance upon the Lord. We entered our new habitation on the third of May, had a cheerful Love-feast on the occasion, and suitable instructions for our future plan, given us by our revered late Brother Thomas Moore, who was here communicating the Synod of 1789. It was altogether an important period to me, and a season of blessing. We lived in peace and harmony in our dwelling, till in July 1791. I with another Sister removed back into the Sisters house, to which we had no objection. I now lived again in a Sisters house, very comfortable till Easter 1792. when I was requested to go into the room of Girls, and take a share in caring for them, and setting them a good example. In one respect this proposal was agreeable to my wishes, as my friend was overseer in the room, and would be my constant companion; but on the other hand, I felt very insufficient to take any charge of others, and my natural love of ease made
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36. made me shrink from the degree of responsibility in which this situation would involve me. I however saw it too important to be trifled with; looked to the Lord for direction, and was enabled to venture upon this new undertaking under a sense of His divine help and support. Some time previous to this I had read a work describing a company of Pilgrims travelling to Zion, and had been much pleased with it. These Pilgrims, it was said, had, during their Journey, been induced to leave the narrow path, and turn into a beautiful field, called the field of speculation. it was close by the way, smooth and easy to the feet, and full of delightful flowers which they might pluck, examine, and admire, as much as they chose. This they did, till they were called to account for trespassing where they had no right, darkness overtook them, shame and confusion overwhelmed them. and punishment ensued, from which they could not escape; till a strong deliverer appeared to rescue them. When set at liberty, they were hastily, if I recollect right, obliged to descend a steep and rugged path into the valley of humiliation, where at first they suffered much; but here the breach was restored; and their hurts healed. Who would not think that a representation like this read and considered by a re-
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37. reflecting mind, would be sufficient warning to avoid the same snare. But I completely followed their example. I turned aside to examine what was too wonderful for me, and to pluck flowers which I had no business so much as to touch; but I wandered on, presuming to scrutinize into the ways of God with his creature man, and to think his dealings unequal and unjust. His leadings with me, vile worm, I saw quite in a new light, and thought myself hardly dealt with; while others were more favored, both as to spirituals, and temporals. Pride, unbelief, and hardness of heart now took place in me to an alarming degree: I lost all confidence in God my Saviour. His dying love, His meritorious life, bitter sufferings, and all atoning death, were no longer the theme that engaged my affections. and melted my heart, but instead thereof, a train of thought occupied my mind which I dare not name, and which the grand enemy of my soul only could have suggested to me. No wonder that I fell into the pit where there is no water; where clouds and darkness overwhelmed me: darkness that might indeed be felt. I fancied my self forsaken of God, and rejected by man; insomuch that I strove to shun society as much as I could; for such gloom rested upon my spirit,
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38. spirits, that I thought the Almighty had set a mark upon me, as He did upon Cain, and that whoever should attentively observe my countenance would discover too much of what passed within. Indeed, so completely did I feel in the enemys power, and so harassed by his vile insinuations, that I thought it must be hurtful to those about me, which made me exceedingly concerned for the young people with whom I lived, and I resolved more than once or twice to ask to leave them again, but the fear of being desired to explain my self on the subject, deterred me; for I studiously avoided imparting my gloomy state of mind to any one, and wished to bear the burthen alone. The greatest relief I found was by writing verses occasionly, and pouring out my distress before the Lord as well as I was able: and at such times I was favored with gleams of hope and comfort, but they quickly vanished. I went to the meetings more for the sake of example, than from a desire to attend them, but it was not always done in vain. It will be supposed the friend with whom I lived was much concerned for me, and made many efforts to draw from me a free disclosure of what oppressed me in such an unusual way; but I shunned enquiries as much as possible, to
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39. to my own hurt and detriment. At length in the latter part of this memorable year 1792. one evening when we were alone, she expressed great concern on my account, adding, that my conduct was so strange, there must be some hidden cause which I would not disclose even to her, by which she was deprived of sharing the burthen with me, as she had often done before. This was a stroke I could not evade. But felt the remark in all its force. At last I owned that my distress was great, but to burthen her with it, was useless: no mortal could help me, and though I sought the Lord, He hid his face from me. She replied, You do not seek Him aright, you want to be helped in your own way; but are not willing to submit to His way: This is the only cause of your present misery. I could only reply, you little know how thankful I should be to find deliverance in any way. Her answer was, You would soon obtain it, if you cease from all self working, and cast your self, as a poor perishing sinner at the feet of Jesus, where none can perish. Upon this we retired to rest. My friends conversation riveted itself in my breast: the first of it, wounded me deeply, but the latter clause sunk into my heart. It began to soften, I cried out in the anguish
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40. anguish of my spirit. O most merciful God and Savior, if thou canst, and wilt help me, why may I call upon thee now, and cast my self as a vile and perishing sinner, at thy through pierced feet. O that I could like Magdalene wash them with contrite tears, and like her, be assured that my many sins were forgiven. Mine exceed hers, by far, because of ungratitude for so many mercies already received. While I thus called upon the Lord, in the day of trouble, He hastened to deliver me. He did not upbraid me with the obstinate self will I had so long cherished. – Ah no! He spoke peace to my soul, which had so long been a stranger to peace. My trembling heart melted like wax before the fire, and a flood of tears gushed from my eyes. It was an hour of grace never to be forgotten, the transition from darkness to light, and from, “the power of Satan, unto God!” A merciful, and sin forgiving God. “Return, unto thy rest, O my soul, for the Lord hath dealt “bountifully with thee!” The following Ten years of my life were marked with a sameness, which leaves but little subject for recital: I remained in the same situation in the girls room, and might say much as regarding my own imperfections
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41. from the only worthy object, allowing creature comforts and enjoyments to entwine their silken threads around my heart, thereby robbing my Creator and Redeemer of what is so justly due to Him. an undivided heart. Alas! I must candidly confess that the last mentioned evil has been one of the sins, if not the most distinguished sin that hath so easily beset me during life. I have thereby often grieved the Spirit of God, and hindered the growth of grace in my own soul.Thus far, her own account. Our Sisters memory will long be held in affectionate rememberance, by those who knew her, on account of the truly sympathizing heart she possessed. Her sensibility indeed was so fine and tender, that, though in the case of her relatives and friends, it was the means of endearing her much; yet, on the other hand, in regard to her self, the consequence was a painful one. It was on this account that circumstances of an extraordinary occurrence would so wrap
her mind in fearful forebodings, as to cause her much uneasiness. – and this again operating upon the nervous weakness of her delicate frame of body, at times because
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42. so powerful, as to unhinge that clearness of thought and judgment, which she in general exhibited. The nervous debility above alluded to, was considerably increased in 1803. when after unremitting attention at the sick bed of her Brother, until his departure. She also went to nurse an Uncle, when she herself was taken extremely ill, and it had a visible effect upon her general constitution. In 1805. she received and accepted a call to be warden, and subsequently to be Laboress of the Single-Sisters Choir at Fairfield. In 1812. she was appointed to be Laboress of the Single Sisters Choir at Tytherton. As a guardian over the spiritual concerns of the Family committed to her, our late Sister will always rank in high and deserved esteem. The solicitude which she felt in the proper discharge of her spiritual office, was a remarkable feature in her character, which not long before her dissolution, she feelingly expressed to those who attended on her sick-bed, declaring, that it had always been her prayer, that if she should not do good to any soul, the Lord would preserve her from doing any harm; adding, that she trusted she had never been the means of leading one poor soul astray. Nor indeed was her solicitude, as
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43. as to the salvation of the souls confined within the walls of her own House; no one could be more pleased, to hear the invitations of Jesus, as the Friend of sinners, closely and zealously pressed upon the public auditory. And in one of her last interviews with her medical adviser who had faithfully and assiduously attended upon her, for the last years of her suffering life, She exclaimed; “Ah, dear Sir, If I could say “one word for the good of your soul, I should be “thankful, but the Lord, alone can do that. I “assure you I have no goodness of my own, but “I trust solely in the merits of my Saviors suffering “and death.” The blessings which she experienced in the more private meetings of the Congregation, were very dear to her; and when necessitated to absent her-self on account of a total inability, from such opportunities. – She did not fail to call to mind her past impressions, which proved a great comfort and encouragement to her. – But of all other meditations, that of the Atonement of our Savior was her peculiar delight. – On this subject she warmly expressed on being reminded it was Good-Friday. Ah! said she, “What has my Dear Savior, suffered for me! “what are all my light sufferings when compared “with His: and how much reason have I to thank “and praise Him for His unmerited goodness.” After
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44. After pausing a while, she exclaimed. – “It is “finished! Salvation’s finished now! a full and “complete salvation has my Savior purchased for “me! He was forsaken of His Heavenly Father, “then, what wonder that I at times have felt forsaken: but now my Savior is with me, and doth all “things well.” Turning to those who were present, she added. “My Dear Sisters, never forget these “words. It is finished! but for these words, my “doubts and fears would have been too much for me. “But they have supported me. They have comforted “me! We cannot omit her feeling address to the Girls who had become Candidates for the Holy Communion, only a short time before her dissolution. – “My Dear Children, I am glad to have “this opportunity of speaking a few words previous to so solemn an occasion. I little thought of “having the favor of seeing you all come forward before I depart, thus to enjoy that earthly, or “rather spiritual good. The participation of “His Body, and Blood. I have always had your welfare “at heart. and with other things connected with you, I “have often laid this in prayer, before the Lord. – So “that in so far, I regard my petition answered. I “feel thankful, at this moment, that, grace was given me in my youth, for now that pain of body is “come upon me, what should I do if I yet had my “Salvation to seek! If the happy Spirits above are
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45. “are permitted to look down upon the earth, how happy should I be, when I have joined the Heavenly “Choirs, to see you all prospering to the Lord, and to “know that yours is not a mere profession, but a “real conversion of the heart. When you feel how “sinful you are do not forget to turn in prayer to “our Savior; and let the language of your hearts be “such as is expressed in that beautiful verse. – Heal me, “O my souls Physician, &c. I have received much “Comfort in answer to this very prayer, when young: “it was so peculiarly adapted to my case; In concluding she gave them Her farewell Blessing. wishing “that the Lord would grant them such communion “with Him in their first enjoyment of the sacrament as should never be forgotten by them!” When approaching to the hour of death | an event on which she seldom in her life time, could think of without apprehension, chiefly prompted by constitutional feelings. | her mind became more calm, and she resigned herself wholly into the hands on her Redeemer. The departure of her only surviving Brother. – Shortly after a Visit to her, when he had bid her an affectionate farewell, supposing, and indeed expressing a wish, that our Savior would soon release her from her sufferings! Affected her very much. She little thought of his being called home before her, and declared that she looked upon his sudden departure, as her last summons,
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46. and added she. ” Now I can say with my Dear “Brother, I have a desire to depart and to be with “Christ: which is far better.” Thus the affection which she bore for her Brother, from being a tie to this earth; became an additional attraction to the Courts above; and only one of her Family remained to witness with an aching heart, the sufferings of her dying hour. The hope of being any more restored to comparative health, which had been often effected, by her skillful Medical attendant, to the astonishment of all around her, became quite extinguished. His arrival being announced, she said. “Ah he is nothing to me now, “he can do me no more good. I am in my Saviors “Hands: As I am so take me, &c. &c.” When the Doctor entered, she said, “I believe it is “almost over. – Don’t be afraid to tell me so, “I long to go.” He replied, Certainly Life is not desirable, when there is continual pain of body. The reply was. “No. when there is a hope of a “happy eternity. and that hope grounded on a Saviors merits.” When asked if she was comfortable, She answered. “Yes, my sisters, you are very “kind. You do all you can, and our Savior “will soon do the rest.– How delightful if we “all meet in Heaven, there again to rehearse the “love which the Lord has shown to us. “Ah!” “What shall I feel, when I, — the glorious Choirs espy;– In bliss unceasing.”! On the morning
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morning of her departure, here Sister and other kind friends and attendants being present. She intimated that it was high time for the blessing for departure to be
pronounced upon her.– Upon the Brothers entering, her surprise was apparent, in not seeing that Brother, whom she had often in her life time, she would wish all others to pronounce this last solemn benediction over her. She was told: He was on a Visit to our Malmesbury Brethren and Sisters. With great difficulty, she said: “I wished to have seen him, to thank him “for directing me to the Atonement. Thank him in my “Name.” After the Blessing being pronounced over her, she expressed, what comfort, and peace of mind she felt.- though scarcely intelligible.- Her body was in a state of much anguish.– But nowher time was at hand, when her released and enraptured Spirit was conveyed to the bosom of her Savior, there like John [?] to enjoy a near participation of His presence, and Love, to be clothed with garments of white raiment, and to sing forth the unspeakable wonders of His grace eternally. She departed April 18th 1825. Her age was 56 years, and 4 Months. Our late dear Sister chose herself for the subject of her Funeral discourse that passage of Scripture to be found in the 7th Chapter of Revelations the 13th and 14th Verses. “What
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“What are these, arrayed in white robes, “and whence came they. then at which her Doctor and several Relations were present.
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